An Open Letter to the Man I Drained

Hello old friend. 

That's what I call you now. It's strange to call you "friend" after all we've been through. We have loved, hated, coddled, and prodded one another, but this is where we've settled. We spent so much of our youth trying to plaster the cracks that those around us burst into our being that we missed the new blemishes we were inflicting on each other with every fight, negative word, or sarcastic remark we threw.

I brought you comfort, but I stole your sanity. 

I know for you I was a comfort blanket. I covered the hurt you were facing in the relationship before me. I built you up and protected you from things you didn't even know you faced. But through all that, I took away your own sanity in so many ways.

You tried endlessly to love me, and I cannot tell you how much I appreciated that. It isn't your fault that I was a broken mess. It isn't all your fault that I have to face demons to this day. You did what you thought was best at any given moment, and honestly, you helped me through so much even though I made it so difficult for you.

I was a calm before the storm, not a tropical vacation. I'm sorry for that. I didn't realize the power I had with words or actions. I didn't realize I could tear someone down and make them feel like they couldn't climb back up and put the pieces together.

I thought I was a Queen, and I treated you like a peasant.

You supported me through all my decisions- through work, through extra curriculars, and through family. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up, I just knew the skills and not where to apply them. In fact, I was far too broken to do anything that would show long lasting accomplishment.

I learned that I am a Queen. In fact, I learned we should all see ourselves deserving that title not just because God gave it to us, but because we absolutely can beat all odds we face. So I'm sorry I ever treated you like you were less than. In retrospect, I didn't see myself doing it. I felt like I was trapped. I felt like I had no room to breathe in the end. It was like no matter what I said or done I couldn't bring happiness to us and I couldn't make up for the damage I had done.

I couldn't fix what I broke because I hadn't fixed myself, and I see that now. You were not meant to be my independent contractor, you were meant to be my partner. I used the trust you gave me to abuse you mentally, and I have decided to break that cycle.

You knew I was broken, but I didn't believe you. 

I know you called me crazy, and I know you meant no harm. Looking back, I acted the very definition of insane. I'm sorry that I would lash out at you when you were trying to be yourself. I'm even sorry I tried to control your spending while I bought what I thought was a better investment. I see now that I had a wandering mind in all the wrong ways, and it caused even more grief in our relationship.

No one deserves to go through that. I have found solace in my soul because I am now in a healthy mindset. I know how to control my bipolar tendencies, and I know how to have a happy, functioning relationship with a partner, not a slave.

Thank you for sticking by me, even when we were split you still supported me financially until the very end. You are a man of your word, and that's a virtue you should display proudly.

I blamed you for our issues, but I know now I had a hand in it all. 

I used to blame you for everything. I blamed you for friction in my religious beliefs. I blamed you for unnecessary tears. I blamed you for when I was angry, when I was stressed, and even when I made a bad decision.

 I see now that I used my religion as a basis to manipulate you. You made it clear who you wanted to be, what you believed in, and what you wanted to do in life. I held you back, and I tried to fit you into a mold that I cast without your consent. I see now that a person is who they are, and we either learn to love them despite our differences or we have to move on. We cannot change a person, and we shouldn't. They deserve to be loved as the person they choose to be.

I blamed you for my anger, but I know now that we are the only ones who control how we react to any situation. Instead of screaming what I wanted and thought to be true, I should have listened to what you had to say and discussed a compromise when we had differences. I didn't know how to handle a healthy relationship because I didn't have a healthy mindset, and I see that now.

I blamed you for my stress, but the truth is I stretched myself too thin. I put on too many hats, and you should have been my main focus. Instead, I did what needed done outside of our home and neglected to make sure you were taken care of all while you stretched yourself thin to support me. Thank you for doing your best. Thank you for sticking by me when I was too headstrong to see us crumbling.

I didn't appreciate you. 

You worked so much for us. I used to think I carried you so I deserved the support, but I know that you carried me further in those years that I did multimedia marketing and stayed home to be a house wife. Thank you for letting me get that out of my system.

I thought you didn't appreciate me for the things I did, and in some ways I am sure you still don't. But the sword is double sided, and I was just as bad as you were about it. I was selfish and doing things my own way, and I did it without explaining my actions to you.

Now, I know to appreciate the hard work my partner puts into a relationship. I know to have it 100/100- each person giving an equal amount of effort, money, or what have you. That is how you make a relationship not only function, but thrive.

When I left for college giving you no choice but to finally get a job, it was unfair to you. I did not ask your opinion, and I didn't take your comfort into consideration. I was selfish and only looking out for my future, not ours. It should have been a discussion, but I put my own pride in the way and did as I pleased. Thank you for supporting me even through that. I can't even imagine the struggle you went through while I was away, and I know that.

I tried to change you. 

When you told me you didn't believe in God, I thought I could change you. I tried to force you in church, I tried to pray for you daily and be calm, and sometimes I even tried to scream at you until you "heard" me. I know now that life doesn't work that way. You can't force a belief into someone's lifestyle no matter what you try to do, and you shouldn't. More than that, you shouldn't try and change someone's beliefs to make loving them any easier. Love is love, it isn't domination or manipulation. It just simply is love.

I tried to get you to stop cussing, stop chewing, and even stop drinking (although you really weren't much of a drinker). I didn't even like the idea of you having a beer with dinner some nights. I tried to get you to stop chewing just about every time we were low on money claiming it just made sense financially. I claimed it was because I wanted you to be healthier. And while that may be true, I know it all truly came back to that model husband I built in my mind. That list I made of perfection was a mile long, and those things just did not fit the bill. I'm sorry I treated you that way.

I see now that there is a person for everyone. Out there in this big world, there is someone who just fits. Not into a mold. Not into a checklist of wants or needs. They simply fit into this shape our heart has open, and they make it whole. We don't have to take a desired trait list and fix them to fill a spot or a crack. They fill it, and we love them despite what we might think is better for them in the long run. We may love them enough to suggest something that can improve their life or help with an unhealthy direction they're heading, but we don't have to change their personality in the process.

I refuse to be a toxic person in the mind of any future partners. 

It would be so easy to sit and blame you for the demise of our marriage. God, how easy would it be to tell everyone you were terrible altogether with no fault of my own? But that isn't how relationships work, and it sure as hell isn't how a divorce works. There are always two people at fault when something just doesn't "work".

I'm human, and so are you. We have our faults and failures. One thing is for certain, though. I cannot change you. I cannot change anything you did to me, say about me, or think about our situation. I can only change myself for the better. So, that's what I decided to do.

I speak slowly without jumping head first into a bottomless pool of anger and self-righteousness. I breathe before I react, and I think about the words I want to say instead of spitting out venomous attacks. I have seen the bond I have with people change because of that, and it isn't just in a romantic way. I am closer to my family. I am closer to my friends. And I am genuinely happier than I have ever been because I have made myself an aura of happiness to dwell in.

I see now that I choose the emotional state around me. I get to pick whether I am angry, happy, sad, or stressed. Thanks to modern medicine and therapy, I now have a whole new mindset. Mental illness is no joke. But now that I have a functioning brain, I see that I have a choice. I don't get to change the actions or words of those around me, but I do get to decide how I will allow those actions and words affect me. This simple truth has changed my entire life.

So, to end this letter I will promise you one thing. 

I will never treat another human being the negative way I often treated you. I promise this not just to benefit myself but to be a genuinely better person for the world I live in. I promise to love unconditionally, to find happiness in the darkest days, and to laugh through the pain and tears. I promise to be a light in the world instead of a shadow, and I mean the whole world I face not just the one the public eye witnesses. Thank you for being my emotional punching bag, but I am sorry to have even thrown the first mental hit.

Sincerely,
A whole new woman