but don’t tell your mom

"But don't tell your mom." My mom is a powerful, soulful, amazing woman. She always knows the answers to my hardest battles, but she is wise enough to keep them to herself until I learn on my own. She is my protector when I am too weak to protect myself, but she is my trainer when she sees my potential to rise and fight my own battles. People see the strength my mother carries, and they are intimidated. Thus, the saying and title to my newest piece. Enjoy, but be leery it isn't an easy read. 

"But don't tell your mom"
by Britiany Arnold

Grandma's house was always the best
A chocolate chip cookie for breakfast
Diet Coke before noon
Grandma is the boss,
Or so they say,
"But don't tell your mom" she whispers

The neighbors were always intriguing
The basement smelled of patchouli
"Want to see how the French kiss?"
He's 17, her boss since she's only just learned addition
"But don't tell your mom" he whispers

The walk back home was an adventure
Tall trees and large undergrowth
He pulled her into the tent as she passed
A man too old to not know any better
"I know what you've done... my turn"
He whispers, unzipping,
"But don't tell your mom"

Mom's new boyfriend was too comfortable
Rap music blared from the computer
He opened a browser, three x's marked the spot
She sat in a chair, close to 13
"I know who else has done this, and I'll tell," he whispered
"So don't tell your mother."

She huddles in the bathroom
Tears stream down her face as she tips back the bottle
Pills spill to the floor
He busts through the lock, scooping her mouth clean
Holding her
Crying
"You have to tell your mom"

 The hero has left, turned to a villian
Alone, she seeks refuge in the familiar
They meet alone, to talk, he says
Words are lost as desire fills his chest
Slumped over, she waits for the finish
"But you really can't tell your mom," he begs

 The phone dials out
She holds her breath, unable to speak
"Mom," she says,
"I just don't know how to tell you. Please don't be mad,"
"You can always tell your mom," she whispered.

cycles

 why do I set myself up 

to mend every desolate soul

found wandering about 

begging to be let in? 

I shatter every bone 

bearing the weight of their transgressions

rebuilding from remains 

       they'd deemed too far gone

creating a rock solid foundation 

for a new man to flourish

but in the end it's never enough

for love to grow roots 

deep in the soil of reciprocation

I've accepted the love I thought I deserved

sabotaging any chance at my purest desires 

and for anything brighter 

than the childhood stories

I should've told my friends

when sleepovers and birthday parties 

were my silent rescue 

even for just one night

one day

pleasejustonemorehour

I deserve more

than the statistical destiny 

my father set in motion 

one closed fist or

venomous word

at a time or

the two intricately integrated together 

to carry on the poisonous traditions 

passed down as heirlooms for generations 

the cycle breaks with me

I deserve more love

a want

i think you really want me

it first appears as lust

Nails ripping at my clothing

Fingers gripped around my neck

Your hands search my body for something unspoken

I’m starting to go mad

My brain 

won’t.stop.meticulously 

reading 

every 

single 

page

Of every word you’ve ever said 

Every action you’ve taken 

Has a 500 page manual 

Of what could and could not be 

Inside your mind, your soul

I think you really want me

Sometimes I think it’s love

The way you brush a stray hair 

Sending shivers down my being

My heart bursts to life with every whisper

The fact 

That you’d take a millisecond

Out of our ever-changing, unapologetic 

Trip to death 

To remind me how much

You own every dark corner 

of my soul Blooms hope from the ashesOf an inferno fueled by abuses Dressed up to look like adoration 

I think you really want me 

Or at the very leastSometimes I think you want meAlone

The way you build up my walls

Reminding me of your presence 

Just lurking, pantingwaiting for my fall

They call it falling and I know it’s true

Because everyFUCKINGsecond 

All I’ve done is hurt myself on you 

You demolished my foundation 

To rebuild what you desired

To leave me alone 

With no way out

Of this bottomless pit of self doubt

I think you really want me 

But do you want me alive?

breezy

I’ve been breezy so long

I almost forgot 

How powerful winds can be 

vintage

‪i feel him changing me ‬

‪like his favorite vintage threads‬

‪handlaid walls crumble ‬

‪to unrecognizable mounds ‬

‪like cotton-poly blends

‪on yellow-stained linoleum floors ‬

a need

on my bleakest days

my lungs collapse 

from the weight of the world

crushing every rib in my body 

the walls slowly crumble 

as darkness engulfs even my brightest memories 

and somehow

out of nowhere 

just one moment of bliss 

alone in your arms 

is the sweetest of honey

spiking my bottomed-out soul 

igniting a fire in every broken crack 

of my worn out body 

i didn’t know i would crave you so soon 

please...

devour me 

for what

bones pop one by one as a morning stretch shivers down my spine

my hand reaches to my right

for what?

I know it’s empty 

it’s just that every single sunrise 

I slowly squint each eye open 

one by one 

and soak in the morning rays while i remember

the backbreaking years of 

carrying every burden id bare for love 

articulating every word I’ve ever said

rethinking every passion my soul has flourished

planning every moment of joy between 

me and the next person who promises love 

for what 

for those first 5 months of those beautiful butterflies 

swarming from the pit of my stomach 

to the tip of my tongue 

bursting from my mouth as a soft 

‘I love you’?

for those 2 years after the honeymoons end 

when we eat in opposite corners

of our one bedroom condo 

with 10 yards and a million lies between us?

I love you slips only from my lips then, too 

because you don’t 

because apparently that stops for some people 

I wish I could be some people 

for what?