A year after I thought my world was ending

Wow. I cannot for the life of me believe it's been a year since my entire life has turned upside down.

It's funny, and ironic, because I probably wouldn't remember this exact date if it weren't for memories on social media. Gross. They are literally there for the best and worst moments of our lives, and when it comes to the worst ones I usually don't even want to peek in the general direction.

Today though, when I saw this status I smiled, because on this day a year ago I thought for sure I would never make it another year.

I remember the day vividly, and I think we all tend to do that when it's something personally traumatic for us. John had come home, like any normal day, but he didn't want to kiss me and he didn't want to say he loved me. Then, the words spilled from his mouth like vomit, "I don't want to be with you anymore."

My chest felt like it was caving in, I couldn't breathe, and I didn't know where to turn. It was a fight or flight moment, and I knew fight wasn't in my best interest. So I text Tiffany Willis, and I left. I had to get out of there. I couldn't be in the house one more minute. I remember telling her in the car that I didn't know what I would do if I lost him.

Things got increasingly worse. I ended up in therapy, which I am so glad I did. I finally got on depression medicine a day after trying to kill myself. I watched him fall in and out of love with people, and all while I was stuck in a home with no vehicle, alone, no money, no job. It was awful mentally, and no I do not say this to make him feel awful. I say it because I went through it, and it was not easy.

I remember one thing my therapist said that stuck with me, and I still have my sister quote it to me on my worst days, "Sometimes that's just how you have to live Britiany, one hour at a time. And if you get through this one, just keep making it through the next one until things get better." I'm so glad I had that to cling to.

I grew stronger in my faith, although many people would argue I got out of it. I disagree, and I personally believe opinions on the matter aren't necessary. I feel like I know Jesus in a totally different way now, and I am thankful for that.

I have been used, lied to, and treated like dirt. But I have also grown, tremendously, into a strong, independent woman.

I was told I wouldn't make it without my ex's money. So, I decided not to ask for the alimony that I would most certainly have won. In no time, I was making more than him and on my own feet in my own place. I had help, though, from amazing friends and family who housed me and helped me get to where I am today. I can never repay them for that.

One beautiful lesson I have learned along the way, though, is that no matter who I am around and how bad it may get there is always good in everyone. Every single person I have encountered thus far has been helpful or kind to me in ways they didn't have to be. I was with a man who would not commit for 6 months, and it ended on an awful note. But, he taught me to be confident, intelligent, strong, and stand for what I believe in.

I spoke to a man right at the beginning of being separated who taught me to stand for what I believe I deserve, even if he taught me that by trying to decide what I was and wasn't ready for in life.

I met friends that I still cherish as some of the closest of my life through this divorce, and I created a family of them like non other. I know I can lean on them in any situation and have someone to catch me.

Most importantly, through it all, I have learned how to love. How to really, truly love. I always heard that marriage was work, and I didn't get it until my first marriage started to crumble. When Dawn Brown gave me advice and literature on how to love, and I read and took it seriously, my life began to change. I saw things in ways I hadn't before. It's constructive work to love someone, to see how they need you to love them and truly listen to what they're saying. I see that now.

I know now to learn what love is to my partner, and to show him that through whatever avenue speaks to him. I learned that we don't all love the same way, and that's okay. It's all about finding the person willing to say "I love you" in whatever love language you have going on. Once you find that, life just gets more and more beautiful.

Life isn't easy. It's cliche, but damn is it ever true. Every single path we ever take is harder than the one before because we grow, continuously, through it all. It makes us stronger, smarter, and genuinely happier if we choose to use that growth for our best interest. I see that now.

There was a moment, right before our divorce, that we thought about trying to fix things. Just a week before the set date. But on that day, sitting with John eating Mexican like old times, I finally realized things had changed. The whole time, it had been the ball in John's court making decisions for us. But finally, I could clearly see that I was ready to throw in my towel, too. We just weren't right for one another. We weren't happy together.

I didn't know what genuine happiness was in that time of my life. I wasn't myself, John wasn't himself, and we were toxic at best. Don't ever doubt that we had endless love for one another, because we most certainly did. We still have a strong friendship to this day because of that love. But we just were not healthy for one another. I am glad I saw that when I did. I am happy for us both in life.

So, what's it like a year after I swore my life was over for good? It's the best it's ever been. Better than I could've ever imagined. Life is in motion, and I am just riding this thrill ride with daily laughter that hurts my guts, smiles that make my cheeks ache, and success both personally and professionally. Thank you, God, for turning my "perfect" dream upside down to show me how freaking amazing you could really make life for me. I never imagined how utterly perfect things could get. I'm still in awe.

If you read this and you are going through something truly joy taking, please know I speak from experience when I say it WILL get better if you decide to take the mental path to make it so. That's all it takes. It's tough, the hardest thing I have ever had to do honestly, but it absolutely does get better. Better than better. It gets to be AMAZING. Just wait and see.