Daddy Issues- Music Breakdown

Wow. First of all, how the heck are you guys? (I hope you read that in the whitest white dad voice ever.)

It has been so long since I wrote my last blog post. I want to say that I thought about writing often in this time I have been missing, but I would be lying. I have been so overwhelmingly busy that I haven't had too much down time to think on it too much. So, my blog has taken a little break but she's ready to go now. 

I call you too much
You never pick up
'Cept when you wanna fuck
And I can't get enough
You're the man of my dreams
'Cause you know how to leave
But I really believe that you'd change it for me

You're unavailable (unavailable)
I'm insatiable

Remember what it felt like to be in love when you were in love with the wrong person? 

I do. 

Unfortunately, it wasn't that long ago that I had those huge puppy dog eyes for a man who treated me like I wasn't worth the time of day. The thing was, no matter how he treated me, how much he put me on the wayside, or how much he made it evident that he was never going to treat me with respect, I stuck by him. 

He had women at his house hours before going on a date with me, and I let him do it. He would go hours without replying to my text while being on Snapchat or social media, but I didn't say a word. He only wanted to see me a couple times a week, and that was pushing the limits for him.. But I sat back and let him make all the decisions for the two of us. What else could I do? He was the "man of my dreams".

I thought he would change. When he told me how many women he had slept with and that he didn't want to ever marry, ever settle down, etc. I believed he would change for me. When he told me how he didn't post about anyone on social media, I thought he would change when he realized he adored me. When he told me he didn't like having company often, I thought he would change when he saw how much fun we had together. And when it didn't change? I stuck around anyways. When he text me to come over, I was there. Any affection from him was enough for me. 

Don't know how to commit
But I might want your kid
And after our first kiss
Got your name on my wrist
Yeah, I get a little obsessive
A little aggressive, a little bit too invested
And whatever you want, whenever you want
That's what you get

I didn't fight with him. And, no, I won't put a name to the post. It isn't about WHO treated me badly. It isn't even about who he is as a person, which I fully believe is a narcissistic sadist who has been stripped of love for too long. 

Either way, I didn't fight with him. In fact, for months we were happy and carefree. Then, one day, I realized I wanted something more than what he was giving me. I wanted someone to want me around all the time. Someone who couldn't get enough of me. Someone who would adore every quirk I ever had. 

Instead, I had someone who I had to trick into spending time with me. I had someone who didn't want a girlfriend, he just wanted the perks of one. And I let him have it for a while, but finally I put my foot down. I told him I was going to be dating for real, and that whatever we had would be ending if I found someone who wanted something serious. 

That's when he threw a fit. He made it about him. Preached to me about being "disposable" and questioned if I ever had feelings for him. He lured me back to him, and I let him. I couldn't help but let him. That's what someone in love does, right?  Anything he wanted or needed, I had it covered. I would be that for him. 

Lucky for you, I got all these daddy issues
What can I do?
I'm going crazy when I'm with you
Forget all the therapy that I've been through
Lucky for you

I got all these daddy issue

That's what it comes down to, right? That's why I chose this song to analyze.

It's all about the cycle. The cycle of abuse, mental or physical, is a hard one to break. Growing up, I was told if I cut my hair I would look like a boy. I had to wear it long. I had to play with certain toys, watch certain shows, and eat certain foods. If I didn't, I would get emotional scorn or worse...

So, as an adult, that transfers to being weak in a relationship. If I am told to do something, I do it out of dedication and with no reasoning of my own. I am a lost, blind woman who will seek refuge into anyone who will look my way.

I allowed a man to tell me I wasn't enough to commit to, and I let him have every delicate part of me despite it. I lost my self worth and tried to get someone else to tell me the new price tag. No matter how much someone told me I deserved better, I thought he was the best I had ever had. He was smart, funny, and he listened to me. He was there for me when I needed him to be, but when I truly needed him he didn't want to be too involved. It was turmoil.

So, I'm here to promise myself never again. Now that I am out of a sick love, I will not go back. I know my worth, and I know that there is someone out there who shows me I am worthy of unconditional admiration. Even on my absolute worst days, I deserve to be held and loved. I won't lower my standards again.

The Bible tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I believe this to be the absolute truth, and that means any man who tries to be with me should be fearful of losing me and in awestruck wonder at the creation I am. I should reciprocate that same love back to him. You all deserve the same type of love, too. Don't ever forget it.