Sunday Sit-Down: "Silence"

Hello beautiful people! Welcome to this week's Sunday Sit-Down which is my absolute favorite series in my blog... in case you were unaware! I have always felt a deep connection to music. I love all genres and types, and I love relating to a song on a deep, meaningful level. I truly believe music can heal all wounds.

This week, I chose to look at one of my favorite artists right now, Khalid. I will say, this song is not Khalid's. He simply does the vocals (and I believe he wrote the lyrical portion, but I will have to look more into that). Marshmello is the producer and DJ of the song. I highly suggest Marshmello's music, especially "Wolves" ft. Selena Gomez. It's absolutely beautiful.

Yesterday made a whole year since the release of Khalid's debut album. He first announced it on 1/31/17 via Twitter, "March 3rd. My debut album. The day my life changes forever." I am sure he had dreams that he would have multiple hits in the top charts at once, but within a year? Astounding. At 19 years old, I am absolutely loving not only his voice but also his vibes. His work is truly relatable, and I think his flow is of its own category when compared to others in the same game.

As one of my all time favorite artists, naturally I would choose to break down a song he is part of at some point. Enough background, though, let's dive in.

Yeah, I'd rather be a lover than a fighter
'Cause all my life, I've been fighting
Never felt a feeling of comfort
All this time, I've been hiding
And I never had someone to call my own, oh nah
I'm so used to sharing
Love only left me alone
But I'm at one with the silence

Hello, relief. That's what I think of when I hear that first line. I have spent the vast majority of my life fighting every demon that could possibly come my way. I have fought to get rid of an abuser, fought to get out of a toxic situation, and fought to keep love alive in my life. Most of all, I have fought to keep my head above the water. After fighting through life for so long, you get to the point where you wonder, "When do I get to stop?"

The answer is never really clear, to be honest. I personally believe God has every battle planned out and uses it for the good in the end. Sometimes, we fight such difficult, lengthy battles that we just need to take a breather. I love that this verse captures that deep need to just not have to do, well, anything anymore.

The part where he talks about never having comfort and being hidden is where I really, truly connect. I have lived so much of my life on edge, thus anxiety. I am always worried. There are so many days I am worried about nothing. I worry that Chris is tired of hearing from me, I worry that I don't know what my future holds, and I worry that my friends might not want to be around me tomorrow. I worry because I know the world changes and people let us down.

But, I have learned people don't set out with the intentions of letting us down. It just happens; they are human. Being at one with the silence can relate to so many things. But for this verse, I am going to say for me it's finding solace in the unknown. It's knowing that even in those dark, hidden moments there is a brighter good on its way. We just have to hold onto the silence a little while longer to hear the music.

I found peace in your violence
Can't show me there's no point in trying
I'm at one, and I've been quiet for too long
I found peace in your violence
Can't show me there's no point in trying
I'm at one, and I've been silent for too long

Have you ever been in a truly toxic situation? Or, if not, have you ever been in a miserable partnership of any kind? I am talking about someone you absolutely loved and adored. Things were great; you were both on top of the world. Then one day, you realized they weren't and you weren't. Things shifted. Suddenly, you feel the hate, disappointment, or resentment. You wake up thinking, "Great, what will it be today?"

It's an awful feeling to wake up knowing the person who adored you before now doesn't want you to exist within their lifestyle. I didn't know this feeling in every step of marriage. I felt it once when John didn't want me sexually for a long period of time. I felt it again the minute he told me he wanted a divorce nearly 3 years later. I remember when the first happened I thought I could never feel any lower than I did when I felt unwanted by the man who was supposed to think I was irresistible. Then, the second happened and I felt ridiculous to ever feel the first was relevant to happiness. They were honestly two different kinds of "violent" emotions. Emotional abuse both times, but very different.

I came to peace with those demons, too, though. I learned to live with it. I learned that life is a literal puppet show. We just go with the motions without realizing it. It's that meme where the dog sits in the middle of the office, the whole building on fire around him, and he just says, "This is fine."

I was reading "Turtles All The Way Down" by John Green (Yes, I am a 24 year old obsessed with John Green. He is amazing.), and there was a quote that really stuck with me:

I was beginning to learn that life is a story told about you, not one that you tell.

We like to think we get to orchestrate the story people learn about our lives, but we really are naive to believe that. When we are honest, even if a person isn't spiritual, we can agree that life directs us. We are simply actors on the screen. We can choose to do some improvisation, mess up our lines, or laugh at our mistakes. Ultimately though, life is the director and makes the big decisions that effect our choices in the end.

The thing we do absolutely control, though, is our actions and reactions. Life might throw you a curve ball, but are you going to give up or go in swinging? I think the latter is the better option, personally. That's what this chorus means to me. Finding peace, solitude, and even joy despite the violence (whether emotional or physical) that you have had to endure. Every human being on this planet deserves to be truly joyous within themselves, and I think the first step is learning to suck on the lemons that life gives you and learn to grin instead of doing that ugly, this-is-too-sour face. Grin and bear. Suck it up, Buttercup. (That last one is my mom's motto, and I still live by it today.) Choose joy for your own sanity. Don't base joy on the actions of others.

I'm in need of a savior, but I'm not asking for favors
My whole life, I've felt like a burden
I think too much, and I hate it
I'm so used to being in the wrong, I'm tired of caring
Loving never gave me a home, so I'll sit here in the silence

The first line of this next verse is empowering to me. If you have read any of my other Sunday Sit-Downs, you know I am all about empowerment. I think it's extremely important to remind yourself how amazing you are, especially if no one else is there to remind you. Sometimes, you have no one in your corner being a hype man and you have to hype yourself. Don't rely on another human being to be a savior. I am talking a savior beyond a spiritual one, of course. I am talking a physical person there telling you, "Hey, you're freaking amazing." Be that person for yourself.

The rest of the of the verse speaks a little differently to me. It's deeply relatable as someone who came from a violent past with a heaping of anxiety that I carry around. I worry about everything. I over think the smallest things. Honestly, it's my biggest flaw. It's gotten worse since the divorce, but it's also gotten better. I understand that about myself now, and I try to fix it. I try to remind myself, "Two hours between a text doesn't mean he hates you. He's busy," or, "Your friends like having you around. They invited you here. You aren't annoying." Expect, I'm sure sometimes I'm annoying *lol*.

The last two lines go together for me. In my marriage, I was used to being told I was wrong. I was forced into an emotional submission, and not in the hot, pull my hair, ropes-and-whips way. Every disagreement ended with me in submission, "Forget it, you're right. Whatever. I don't even care anymore." Every time we had to make a financial decision and I didn't agree with it completely, "Whatever. You're right. Buy what you want." If I wanted to go out, "You're right, whatever. We will just stay in again." I was isolated and not myself. I became complacent in my marriage. I am not saying John is an awful person for it, but we communicated in a toxic way and he was the winner. I became silent.

I chose this song simply because I related to it. Even if no one else can, I do. I have spent the majority of my life in silence. I was sexually assaulted for years, and I stayed quiet. I was beat and treated like garbage, and I stayed silent. I was raped on multiple occasions, and I stayed silent. I am not here to say women are taught to be silent when we are uncomfortable. But when I was uncomfortable, my instincts, based on what I saw around me, were to be silent. We shouldn't have that mindset. So, in a way, I think this song is a great lesson into what not to do in a toxic situation: do not submit.

Normally, I end my blog with a nice like quip about how beautiful we all are and how we deserve amazing things. I still stand by that, obviously, but I have more to add to it. First of all, if you or someone you know is in an abusive situation please call 1-800-799-7233 and seek help. He or she does not love you. Love does not leave bruises, scars, or pain like that.

Next is a challenge for everyone. I want you to sit down, take a piece of paper or your Notepad on your phone, and write a list of your personality traits and physical traits. The good, bad, ugly, and best; all of it. Now, go through and highlight or circle the ones you hate. Change them.

"Change them? It's not that easy, Britiany!" Yes it is. Sorry, but you are wrong. This is exactly what I did to fall in love with myself. I am still doing it, too. Find what you hate and get rid of it; find what you love and let it kill you. The latter seems a little morbid, but I also find it beautiful. Find happiness in whatever (healthy) way you can. You do truly deserve it.

What are your thoughts on this song or Khalid? Or even Marshmello? I'd love to hear it below or on Facebook!