Lately, I have taken the dating world by the horns. I have really dove into finding out, first, who I am and, second, what I want in life. I know that this has caused shock and confusion in my friends and family conversations. But, God bless them, they've stuck by me through it all. I am so blessed to have the people I do behind me.
This week, I chose a song that really summed up the different things I have experienced in the dating world lately. I have spent a lot of time contemplating what I want, and I have unintentionally let a few people down. But, I have also learned that honesty is the best policy even if/when it upsets someone. You just feel cleansed in the end. Anyways, let's dive right in!
Got a boy back home in MichiganHere's the thing about dating: it is awful. It's so many things, but awful is generally what others would use to describe it. I stand behind "awful", as well. The reasons why it's so awful vary, but the one that I really see continuously is fairly simple. Dating sucks because people aren't honest about what they want, and when they are honest we get hurt when we don't link up.
And he tastes like Jack when I'm kissing him
So I told him that I never really liked his friends
Now he's gone and he's calling me a bitch again
There's a guy that lives in the garden state
And he told me that we'd make it 'til we graduate
So I told him that the music would be worth the wait
But he wants me in the kitchen with a dinner plate
I blame trophies for participation. Think about all those trophies you received just for showing up. They lined your shelves and walls, and you felt so good about yourself for putting in the effort. The same goes for dating. You start to really feel yourself because someone else is telling you how fine you look or smart you are. You get sucked into the compliment whirlpool, and there's nothing wrong with that.
But, suddenly you are having "the talk". The "What are we and what do you want out of this?" talk. Every relationship of any kind makes it to that step eventually. In this day and age, though, people are a little more honest up front about what they want. We are in the cyber-dating world, and people straight up tell others they are in it simply for sex. No more buying drinks to get a tipsy hookup. It's a whole new era.
What happens when you don't vibe on the same frequency as the person you're talking to, though? Conflict. Fecal storm. You get the drift. I have learned so much on both sides of the spectrum since being single, too.
The first part of this verse reminds of a guy I talked to close to the beginning of the separation. Some people may not know this about me, but I have extreme hippie mindsets and lifestyles. I am basically a hippie in leggings, and I'm OK with that. As I sat swiping on Tinder, I came across a hippie with red hair (my fave), and his smile was to die for. I fell instantly, and I swiped right. We matched up, and we started to talk.
I knew I had feelings for him because he asked me to say or do something I normally wouldn't, and I found myself doing it anyways. I couldn't say no to him. He was too good to be true. Then, we had the "what do you want from this" talk, and we realized we were vibing a little off from each other. He ghosted me eventually, which is a story for another blog post, and I wasn't hurt a bit. Honestly, he wanted an effort from me that he wasn't willing to put in, and so I was the "bitch again".
The second part of this verse is the one I really relate to, though. After I started dating Chris more, I realized I didn't really want anything monogamous right now. I had one person for 7 years, and I really just wanted to explore who I was first before becoming someone's person again.
So, when a guy would ask me what I wanted, I would tell them "nothing, to be honest". Some guys were psyched about it, but others were the complete opposite. I had various reactions, and none of them felt that wonderful. Sometimes, I would just ignore it and act like it didn't matter. Sometimes, I would tell them too bad but I was being honest. One thing I made sure I didn't do: I never apologized.
I have talked to three guys who wanted something I wasn't willing to give them: a monogamous relationship. One was super supportive of it. In fact, he's now a very good friend of mine. He knows I am not ready for what he wanted. The second one wasn't happy about my answer, but he pushed it anyways. I kept my distance. The third took it too far.
I told him I didn't want a relationship and I told him about Chris. He got angry. He told me I was being used for sex. He told me no one would ever respect me if I lived my life this way. He made me feel degraded, dirty, and useless. I was sickened by it, and I chose to ignore him instead of fueling the fire. He was so angry at himself that he chose to take it out on me, and I chose to not let him have that power.
I was tired of being in the kitchen with a dinner plate. I wanted freedom to be whoever I chose to be, and I didn't need someone holding me down from that.
I believe, I believe, I believe, I believeSo, let's talk about this Chris guy. I know this will, by a landslide, be the most popular part of this post. He's been like my little secret for so long now, and I don't mind it to be honest. I've talked about him a few select times, but I have been vague. The only reason I bring it up now is because this bridge hits our relationship on the head.
That we're meant to be (I'm in too deep)
But jealousy, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy
Get the best of me
Look, I don't mean to frustrate
But I always make the same mistakes
Always make the same mistakes 'cause
I am frustrating. I know this about myself. Chris has never said that to me, but I see it. I know I am a lot to handle. But you know what happens when you find someone that you 100% vibe with? I mean fully are in sync with? Your frustrations become cute. Adorable. Precious. Okay.- His words not mine.
When I start to lose it a little, he pulls me back into sanity. He talks me off the ledge. He bares it with me so that I am not alone, and then we fix it. When I want to do something wild, he encourages me to have fun and be myself. When I want to go out with my friends, he tells me to have the best night. He wants to see me, spend time with me, and love on me. But he also wants me to be my own person. Man, it's refreshing.
Anyways, I know I'm a mess. First of all, every bit of trust I had in my previous relationship is unattainable for me. I have built most of it back up. It's hard for me to put my trust into another person when I was burned so badly last time. I am learning it's worth the risk. I didn't go looking for what I have with Chris; it just happened. I am in so deep now, and I don't mind that. I like where my life is in this very moment.
I'm bad at loveI really am bad at love. Or maybe I'm actually not, who knows. What I do know is sometimes people want something out of me that I just can't give them. I have so many people come to me seeking solace in someone that doesn't exist. They are shocked at my life choices, but I never understand why we are ever shocked at the choices someone makes. They are their own person. Why do we feel the need to set a standard and expect them to hit it?
But you can't blame me for tryin'
You know I'd be lyin' sayin'
You were the one
That could finally fix me
Lookin' at my history
I'm bad at love
I am honest, trustworthy, and transparent. That is important to me, and I think by displaying that I am exactly where I need to be. I am showing a form of love in the ways I want to the person I want, and he accepts that. No one else has to understand us or our choices, and no one else has an opinion I care to hear.
We don't get to choose the "correct" standard to be good at love.
Got a girl with California eyes
And I thought that she could really be the one this time
But I never got the chance to make her mine
Because she fell in love with little thin white lines
London girl with an attitude
We never told no one but we look so cute
Both got way better things to do
But I always think about her when I'm riding through
The first part of this verse reminds me of a childhood crush. I took a leap and reached out to him when the separation first happened. In fact, he's one of the first 5 people I told. He had been my friend for so long that it just seemed logical.
We honestly didn't talk regularly. Hours went by. We were busy. One night, he told me he took Xanax from time to time. My heart shattered. It was like this perfect little bubble I had around him finally burst. It was really difficult for me to accept that the crush was over. But, that's life. You have someone on a pedestal they didn't ask to be set on, and then you have to deal with the shattered pieces when it comes tumbling down. We form our own punishment.
The second one reminds me of a high school fling, pre-marriage. There is a guy I had a crush on for so long, and we got along really well. But, we drifted after a hookup or two, and we only kept in touch by randomly seeing each other post on Facebook.
I always kept tabs on him, but I didn't reach out much. I did after the separation, though, and we talked off and on. But, we realized we both had things we would rather do than keep in constant contact with each other. I'm good with that, and we talk sometimes as friends now. It's better for us both that way, and we have fun being that person for each other I think.
I know that you're afraidAnyone who leaps into my life should be afraid. Honestly, truly, afraid for their own hearts. I am not someone who wants to be involved in a way that makes me rely on another. I am so tired of that mold I had built around myself.
I'm gonna walk away
Each time the feeling fades
Each time the feeling fades
I know that you're afraid
I'm gonna walk away
Each time the feeling fades
I want to have freedom to have fun, and I have that right now. That's all I ever wanted for myself. I want to explore, move, go, go, go. I want to be Britiany. Singularly.
I'm a little bad at love right now. I get frustrated, paranoid, and clingy. I don't want to be that person. I am working on that, too. I also don't want that type of commitment. The commitment I have with Chris is perfect for me, and it's really no one's business but ours. I love that. I love my life.
Don't be ashamed for wanting to be a single unit for a time or two. It's OK to want to see people. It's OK to want to explore. If anyone tells you differently they're wrong. It's your life. Your choices. Your construction or destruction. Don't allow them to pick up a single hammer and take a swing. You are your own architect and laborer.
How does this song make you feel? I'd love to hear your thoughts below or on Facebook!
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