nothing

i feel nothing

i've struggled and pulled
at every string of my heart
trying to untangle any mess I have made
trying to clear the path of emotions so that my heart could
burst
to life once again
try and feel something

Bring Pain
I would take it.
I would rather feel a thousand knives of a thousand friends
piercing into the veil of an entire lifetime of moments
shattering the tiny village of a life we built together
leaving me gasping for a sprinkle of relief
a glimpse of friendship
a shred of hope
any.single.thing.please.
i feel nothing

Bring Joy
I would embrace it.
I would crack my heart straight down the center
to allow the overflowing joy of a life well-loved
gush until my body is engulfed in warmth and relief
I would accept tears
trickling
nose
running
cries of joy from the center of my being
i.will.take.any.thing.please.
i feel nothing

Bring Love
I would allow it.
because that's how i love
a legal business agreement
with terms
rules
regulations of what can and cannot be undone
what we can and cannot do, with who we can and cannot see
i can and cannot even stand us
but the terms mean nothing
as long as i feel
God please
i.cannot.do.this.anymore
i feel nothing

Bring Loss
i will not forbear it.
i will gladly accept
the deep gouging pain from inside my soul
a thousand red hot beams of light pouring from my center
spilling down my cheeks
destroying hope with words and trust with actions
i can handle it
god please
but
i.cannot.handle.this.
i feel nothing

i have seen pain from the hand of those
whose jobs were solely to protect me
i have seen the hurt of death, loss, and suffering
of those i have loved and those i have admired
i have survived sorrow as close to hell as the world has to offer
but how much longer could i possibly handle this
how can i be expected to smile and perk up
how can i be asked for an opinion about everydamnthing
how could i be bothered to care

i feel nothing