But I think above all other monsters, terrors, or small obstacles the one that has caused me the most turmoil is my own heart.
I am a tender soul. I am an empath to those around me, and most importantly, I am a dreamer. When my heart thinks of an idea, I will run with it and have a whole narrative of how this could perfectly play out within 5 minutes of the manifestation. It causes me pain, tears, heartache, and confusion above all else.
See, some of us become contemplative, pessimistic, or even realistic. These are all strong suits we need in our deck of life. But then you have the ones like me: dreamers, believers, optimists. There are those who guard their hearts, and there are those of us that allow anyone a piece of their heart if truly in need.
Most importantly, though, is that we take every situation out on ourselves 10 fold. So it's hard for me, sometimes, to hype myself up. It's hard for me to feel like I am beautiful enough, smart enough, or doing the perfect job I expect from myself. I believe anything is possible, so when it doesn't happen for me it breaks me down.
I know it's easy to think, "How can a heart, a vital organ, be all that bad for you?" And I want to say, I appreciate my heart. I live for the moments where something is so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes. I have cried during the climax of a Nicholas Sparks novel (and I always have one on my bedside table), the magic of a Disney movie (not to mention crying as an adult in Disney World), the life altering finalization of a makeover show (Queer Eye is my jam), self shot promposals (they're just so thoughtful and beautiful), and that is just the beginning. Sometimes, I watch things just to get that loving, heart-filled cry I truly need.
I don't dislike my heart. She keeps my blood flowing, my arteries cleared, and the best moments stored in the depths of her chambers for those dark days when I need them the most. Mixed with my intuition, she has helped me pick friends who became family and will be there for me no matter what I face in life. She has also lead me into the battles of life that I have triumphed over: my career, a new beginning after a divorce, hosting exchange students, being an animal lover, etc.
But, she also makes me yearn for more love than one person should deem necessary. I give love and expect the same in return, and that, my fellow victims, is where my heart gets ugly. When I hype others up for their looks and they don't do the same for me when I need it most, I feel like I'm not beautiful enough. When I do acts of service for others but I don't get the same love in return when I am in my darkest days, I start to feel alone, and she tells me I am a failure.
I have let my heart completely take over what my brain has to say. When a boy seemed as though he would never commit, my heart wanted to remember those nights he held me when I was at my lowest point. The way he whispered the things I needed to hear in my ear while I dreamed of better days. When he turned out to be doing the same to another woman, my heart burst and drained. It felt awful, and my heart was my enemy once again.
I have let those 4 chambers convince me I could build an empire. I followed through with my own business, my own time was spent on what I deemed as a passion. But when things didn't grow fast enough, I let her tell me I wasn't good enough. I wasn't as good as the people in the industry. I may as well give up, and so I did.
My heart is fickle. She just never knows up from down when it comes to big changes in my life. It's taken time to figure her out.
But the thing is, I know she is vitally necessary to my survival. I don't mean that in a cliche, medical way. I mean that to the core of my being. I am Britiany because of the heart I have been given.
God tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made. There are so many ways to interpret that scripture, and you'll see it used in all different situations because it is so eloquently written and stands true through the test of time. But for me, for Britiany, this means my heart is purely perfect. It means because I am a dreamer my heart should be feared. She can accomplish anything that she sets out to do. She is exactly what God needs in the world I live in. She is unique to the journey He has set before me. It is incredibly urgent that I guard her at all times.
God tells me that when I cry at a movie scene, book, or viral video I am growing. I am noting how to treat others when they need uplifted the most. I am learning how to change hearts. When my heart yearns to hear a compliment from others around me, she is learning how to treat the people that are blessing my life. She is growing into a loving, encouraging organ that knows people need love and admiration to make it through their toughest times. Sometimes, they just need a reminder that they are created in an image far greater than we could ever comprehend.
Most of all, when my heart cracks and breaks down from pain that came speeding up in my blind spot, we are learning strength. I learn that I am stronger than deceit, I am better than lies, and I am here because my story is not over with yet. Every time my heart breaks, she glows back together and learns from the mistake that has been made before. She learns how to love more deeply, passionately, and intelligently. She learns that no matter what someone does to her, she is called to love above all else.
Everything I ever need is here. Inside me. My heart is not an enemy, she is a companion. Just like my brain, emotions, endorphins, and every other part of me that creates the personality "Britiany". He will use me. It may be in the most minute way possible, or it could be to pull someone out of a dark place I couldn't imagine ever seeing. Either way, we are in it together and differences will be made. My journey is mine, and God has written every last detail down tot the perfect use of semicolons (yeah, He's impressive). That is how God uses all things to His glory, and I will not have a random rock in the creek outside a sewage plant sing worship in my place. So I will praise him for this fickle little thing in my chest and keep fighting the fight he has before me. Fearfully and wonderfully, so watch out world.
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