Sunday Sit-Down: "Butterflies"

Have you ever stumbled across a song, heard the lyrics, and felt them in your chest? That's what happened when I found "Butterflies" by Kacey Musgraves while scrolling through Twitter. I had never heard the song before, in fact I'm not even sure I have heard much of her music before. The lyrics were so easily applied to my life, though, that I knew it had to be my Sit-Down song for this Sunday.

I will warn you this song will be a little more sappy than my others. Don't get me wrong, I am a strong, independent woman.. But I would be lying if I didn't say someone out there puts a smile on my face everyday. I'm lucky to have that, and I think that this song really describes the process of finding someone like Chris. When I met him, I wasn't a whole person.. At least, not emotionally. I never expected to gain any footing with him because I was extremely broken, and he knew that. Instead of tossing me to the side, he encouraged me to find out who I was, what I wanted, and how to love myself unconditionally. I needed that in my life, and he took on the job with no complaints very few complaints.

I was just coasting, never really going anywhere
Caught up in a web, I was getting kind of use to staying there
And out of the blue
I fell for you

I remember toward the beginning of my separation and divorce, when I felt hopeless and lost in life. I had no idea where I was heading next. Everything I thought would be my life forever turned out to be the complete opposite. My home couldn't be my home anymore, my animals had to find new owners, my house had one less adult, and I didn't have my partner for life anymore. I wasn't sure if I would want another partner, and I didn't know where I would end up. I knew I wanted to move, and I knew I wanted it to be close to a city. I knew it would probably be near Elkview so that I could be close to my aunt and uncle. I had always wanted to live that way. Other than that, I was lost.

I didn't know who I was, and I certainly didn't know I was beautiful. I didn't know I was a fun person, and I didn't know that I liked to be less uptight. I didn't know that I would end up really hating the things I had been doing and stressing myself over. I was a totally different person than who I was when I felt happiest. I had no clue at all.

In my marriage, I was in a web of content. I did things, acted certain ways, and provided for others because I thought it made everyone happy. I spoke and carried myself in ways that made others happy. I did my hair how I thought others wanted it. I thought being unhappy while doing everything the way someone else wanted was the right idea, but I see now that it was making everyone around me miserable.

In the middle of figuring this out and figuring out what made me happy, I met someone and started to develop feelings. I started to find out what I wanted in a man, and I started to see that Chris checked off every bit of "the list", plus he had even more to offer than I had on "the list".  I was so used to one type of person that I didn't realize I really liked a totally different type altogether.

Now you're lifting me up, 'stead of holding me down
Stealing my heart, 'stead of stealing my crown
Untangled all the strings, round my wings, that were tied
I didn't know him and I didn't know me
Cloud nine, was always out of reach
Now I remember what it feels like to fly
You give me butterflies, hmm
You give me butterflies

I love this chorus. This new adventure with Chris has shown me that everyone shows affection differently. I have always been a big fan of the "Love Languages" (you can totally click that and see what your love languages are), so it has fascinated me to learn how and why people associate certain things with affection and love.

I found out I need reassurance, I need kind words often, and I need physical intimacy of any kind to see that someone cares for me. I needed freedom and encouragement, and I needed someone who was genuinely interested in what I did with my life.

I have that in this new adventure. When I want to pursue something new (tattoo, hair, piercing, career, etc.) Chris encourages me to do what makes me happy. When I post a blog, he reads it. He asks me how my day has been, and he asks me what I am doing for the day. He treats me with respect and admiration. He tells me often that he is always there for me, and he shows me just as often that he truly is.

When I was trying to love myself again, he encouraged me and gave me reasons why I should. He reminded me how important it was to love who I am before anyone else loves me. He reminded me I am beautiful, smart, funny, entertaining, etc. He straightened my crown instead of trying to steal it, and I needed that so badly.

It was different having someone tell me to "have fun" when I did something without him instead of guilt tripping me because he had to work. It was different having someone message me to see what I was doing while he was working, even if he was a little busy that day. It was different hearing him tell me he needed or wanted me around. I needed all of that in my life, and I am so appreciative of it.

I also agree with the part of this song that says I didn't know myself or "him". To me, this reflects my marriage. I didn't know who I was and I ended up not knowing my ex the way I once did. I lost who I was so badly I couldn't love anyone else fully. Happiness was unobtainable because I couldn't be happy in my own mind. You can't be fully happy when you hate yourself.

Kiss full of color, makes me wonder where you've always been
I was hiding in doubt, 'til you brought me out of my chrysalis
And I came out new
All because of you

I would be ignorant to say that I am who I am because of one man. I am who I am because I worked hard to find myself. I searched through each corner of my life and asked, "Does this make me happy?" If the answer was no, I stopped doing it. I stopped staying in the house every night. I stopped teaching at church. I stopped listening to just one type of music. I stopped looking out for others before my own sanity. I did a lot in this time, and I found out I can be happy and still be generous. It was amazing to find myself.

At the same time, though, Chris helped a lot. Whether he likes to hear it or not, he did. When I felt like I wasn't beautiful, and I asked him for reassurance, he didn't cater to me. Instead of telling me how pretty I was or talking me up, he asked, "Why do you need me to tell you that? You already know that about yourself." I didn't, or I don't think I did, but when he said it like that it made me step back and validate myself. I needed to realize that I was beautiful, pretty, smart, and important on my own. I didn't need validation from him to remember that.

I see now that it's ignorant to put my self worth in the hands of another person. In marriage, I fully believe I did this. When my marriage ended, I saw the results of that damage. I felt useless, worthless, and disgusting. I felt ugly, and I felt like I was never going to be loved. Betrayal lurked in my mind for weeks, and I couldn't stand the thought of myself. My ex told me I wasn't enough, so in my mind I wasn't. It took a long time to tear down those walls and build a temple instead.

Thankfully, I had someone handing me the tools I needed to rebuild. If I had a bad day, I had a listening ear. If I had tears, I had a shoulder to cry on. If I had questions and needed advice, I had someone with opinions and answers. When I was grouchy, he tolerated me and accepted my apology. When I was sick, he asked how I was feeling. Most importantly, when things got hard he made me laugh and forget the worries. He truly embodies, "Don't worry, be happy." The list of all he has done is endless; the point is simple. I had someone supporting me through all the crap I was dealing with, and he continues to show me he is there for me daily.

The song this week is short, but I think it was packed with great reflections. If you're out there going through a time where you need to find validation, learn to find it in yourself. Lean on friends and loved ones but be sure you are finding strength within you ultimately. If you don't love who you are, find out why and change it. I fully believe you are beautiful, intelligent, important, and loved. I know that the universe has a plan for you life beyond your wildest expectations.

What are your thoughts on the song? I'd love to hear your stories and opinions below!