As you all know, or I would hope you know by this time, I am going through the process of a divorce. For some reason, when we think of divorce we focus a lot on the legal aspect of it. It's a mess sometimes, and other times it's smooth sailing. Will there be alimony? Where will the dogs live? Who gets the television? What about the Xbox? It seems so minute in the grand scheme of things when your heart feels broken.
To be honest, my mind wasn't thinking of the money, the belongings, or even where I would be this time next year. I was focused solely on my heart and how it hurt. It took me way too long to overcome that in my opinion.
I have a couple people I want to quote in this post, but I will not quote them by name for their own privacy. One person has helped me overcome so much in this time, and I am truly grateful. The other had just the right words to say to encourage me and remind me I was on the right path.
The first is my psychologist who I love dearly. He has asked me every session the same question: "If John asked you to take him back today, would you?"
It's funny to me now, although maybe not so funny to you, that at the beginning my answer was, "YES without a doubt, yes. Anytime he ever asks me back in the future I will say yes. I will never change my mind." I truly believed it, too.
Then, slowly, something changed. I started to taking a step away from the "middle" of the hurt and see who I was, what I wanted, and what I had. I realized that John really wasn't what I wanted in life. Our goals didn't match up, our intellect didn't correspond anymore, our humor didn't mature in sync, and we just didn't meet the standards I had laid out for myself. I had written a list of what I wanted in the next man I dated (you can check it out here). When I looked over it, my ex barely hit the points on my list.
Maybe that wasn't all, either. I started to meet someone who actually did sync up to what I want in life right now, and he helped me to reach new standards I didn't even know existed. He showed me what it meant to be cherished in ways I hadn't even thought of in years. He encouraged me, my work, and my goals. It was different, and it was fresh.
So on February 1, 2018, my therapist asked, "If John asked you to take him back today, would you?" My answer, "No, I don't think I would." Did it hurt to say it? Not a bit. Things have changed.
My other personal story has to do with a high school friend who read my blog and messaged me on Facebook. She told me how happy she was for me for getting through this hard time with my writing. She told me something both true and important about a breakup she endured, "Once I started to focus on the way he made me feel worthless or not good enough is when I truly was able to put him in the past. I wish I would have been able to think like that sooner."
She hit the nail on the head. I truly started to get over my ex when I stopped focusing on the good times we had in between all the bad. I started to get over him because I realized the bad outweighed the good so many times that the good was almost non-existent. That's when I truly got over my marriage.
Today's song, Then by Anne-Marie, was sent to me by my beautiful sister Tiffany Jarrett. She simply said, "I think you will love this." She was so right.
We had it good, you know
I spent like six years
Making sure you came home to love
You had it good, you know
I stood by your side
I spent up so much time
Tryina make you happy
I don't think you ever could be happy
The first verse really sets the tone for the entire song. In fact, looking back on my marriage we really did have it good. We were two kids, in love as much as we thought was possible. We were constantly there through deaths, loss of jobs, sickness, mental illness, and everything in between.
I spent 7 years of my life making sure that no matter what happened to him or his family, he came home to comfort and knew I loved him. There were days we fought and bickered, but we never went to bed angry. I spent all my time trying to figure out what could fix anything wrong with me or my marriage to make him happy.
I lost myself in that time. I tried to be someone I wasn't, and I tried to fix myself on my own. I couldn't do it on my own, and I see that now. I tried to make him happy by altering what I wanted in life. I tried to fix my body to be what he would like. I did my hair the way he wanted. I turned down opportunities to be with him. I didn't wear the makeup I wanted at times, the clothes I liked, or the trends that caught my eye. I didn't talk about things I loved that he didn't enjoy- as in my religion. I lost who Britiany was, and whoever I found was miserable. She made others miserable, too. Misery really does love company.
Maybe you should try some therapy
Maybe you should lose a couple home boys, give up on the homegrown
Look at me
Cause I need you to understand
This bridge doesn't really need much thought added to it, but I will add a little tidbit of my personal feelings. I remember going through the process of blaming myself for what happened. I thought the decisions I made ruined my marriage, and my head was being filled with the same information almost daily.
When I finally realized that I wasn't the only issue, I started to try and help John see the fully story. I tried to help him grow. I tried to give him advice, and I supported his decisions outside of our marriage. I started to be a friend- a distant friend that you contact only when it's important and necessary. It was what I needed to be for him. I saw the issues he needed to fix, and I was no longer too worried about stepping on his toes to be honest.
Now when you think of
Late nights with me there in your bed
True ride or die, that's what you had
I loved you, I loved you, I loved you
And when you think of
My body on yours, don't forget
Once I would've died for you, baby
I loved you, I loved you, I loved you
But that was then
But that was then
Ouch. Right? The chorus hits you where it hurts. I hate to be spiteful in any way, but I would be lying if I said I didn't hope part of John realizes the mistake he made when he lost me. Of course I want that! I think I am a catch, and I made a commitment I never thought he would break. I want him to remember that I was there until death, and I want him to hate that he gave that up. Even being over someone, part of you always wants that sort of simple revenge.
Most importantly in this part of the song, she says, "I loved you, but that was then." I never imagined myself hearing those words and saying, "YES!" But that is exactly what I did the first time I heard the song. I was so ecstatic that there was finally a song that truly captured my relationship, or better yet the ending of my relationship. I had so much love for a man that wanted nothing to do with me, and I no longer felt that same sort of love toward him. It was freeing and invigorating. I was Britiany again, no longer "Britiany and..." My heart was my own, and that was something I hadn't felt in a long time.
You don't know shit, you know
You act this big man and you
Think you are in control
But you don't know shit, you know
I stood by your side
And pulled you away from your fire
Again and again and again
I shoulda known fire would win
This next verse is harsh, but it is so real and relevant. I think the whole song goes through that emotional stage where the woman finally is just done being the bad guy. Every breakup goes through it. One person is the sole issue, the reason it all happens in the first place. Right? Well, maybe partially. The truth is both people are responsible for their negative actions that lead to a divorce or breakup. It's inevitable- you have to accept that people do bad things from time to time, and every action has a reaction.
Recently, as in last week, I lost my cool with John. Most of my family and friends said, "Finally." They all love him, and they always will. He is family. I think mostly they were just tired of seeing me talk about how awful I was in all this. I have constantly talked about what I did wrong, how I screwed up, or how terrible I was as a person. I know now that I am not a terrible person, and neither is John. However, I finally realized I was letting someone talk to me as if I were the burden that caused this mess. I couldn't take it another second.
Just like this verse, I told John how he didn't know a thing about me or what I was doing in life. He didn't know my goals, he didn't know my strength, and he didn't know the absolute turmoil this derailment of my life was causing.
Just like she said, I spent a long time trying to pull him away from what would ultimately destroy him mentally, emotionally, or physically. But I should have known all along that in the end I wouldn't be the hero- I would be the villain. You cannot change a person, their routine, or their addictions of choice. Only they can decide if their choices are good or bad for them. I have learned that through a failed marriage, so it isn't all bad!
You're gonna miss me
You're really gonna miss me
You're gonna miss me
You're gonna miss me
You're gonna miss me
You're really gonna miss me
Repetitive? Yeah, you're probably right. At the same time, though, I like the chanting effect it ripples through my mind. It's almost like a victory.
When someone initiates a breakup, they will always say they will never regret their decision. We like to believe that the life we choose to live will never be filled with regrets. In fact, as of now I feel I have nothing to regret. My decisions, actions, words, and works are all things I can talk about to any and everyone. I don't want to allow myself any room for regret.
However, it would be foolish of me to believe that I would go the rest of my life without regretting something I said or did. We are human, and it's going to happen. When someone initiates a breakup, they are filled with the adrenaline of the breakup happening in the first place. They feel a rush of relief, happiness, and even pride. They beam and tell their friends of their triumph. Life looks to be on the up-and-up for them.
But at some point, when they least expect it, regret will creep up on them. Who knows when or where? We can't possibly know how darkness will enter our day. For me, it happens when I am in bed trying to sleep and my thoughts drift me off to places I never want to go. I start to remember and regret the most minute things. For some people, it comes in memories. You see a movie that meant something between you and an ex, you eat at a restaurant that you were regulars at together, or you hear a song that your ex dedicated to your relationship.
Where do I hope the regret creeps up on my ex? It's almost morbid to think about, right? But I'm human. I've given it thought a time or two. At first, I hoped that maybe he would have a new significant other and call her Britiany. But honestly, she has nothing to do with what happened with us when he gets to that point in his new life. She shouldn't suffer mentally for the pain he put me through.
So, I hope that it's in happy times. I hope he hears something joyful that I loved. I hope he kayaks and remembers who was there for his first time. I hope he smells Wonderstruck by Taylor Swift and his mind is filled with memories of me wearing it just for him. I hope he never forgets how truly amazing I am even through memories of the bad times.
When I look at this song as a whole, I feel nothing but empowerment. Sure, it may be one of those chick songs where she takes her pain and fuels a few vengeful thoughts. You know what? We all need those songs at one point in our life. If that's what I needed to get through this part of my pain, then I will embrace and claim it! I will no longer be ashamed of being a broken, mended human being. If you are broken or hurting, just know it gets better! Your light is coming through the darkness, I promise.
You are worth laughter, kisses, worship, adornment, and everything in between! You deserve affection in private AND public. You deserve to be adored. You deserve bellyaching laughter. Do not settle for less. Don't make room for regrets to seep through.
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