Sunday Sit-Down: "Too Good at Goodbyes"

Welcome to a whole new type of blog post from me. I have really been digging deep into who "Britiany" is as a person so that I could inspire my writing. I want to have consistent posts to my blog, and I think this is a wonderful outlet for me as I figure out who I want to be in life. 

One big motivator for me has always been music. Music can capture exactly what a soul is going through at any given time. I have turned to music in times of mourning, celebration, love, and heartache. I truly believe in the healing power a song can provide for a person, and I want to reflect on songs that are valuable in my life on a weekly basis. 

Some songs I choose to analyze may be "throwbacks", some may be classics, and some may be new and popular. I love all genres, and I do not go through moods of just one at a time. My taste is all over the spectrum, and I like that about myself as well. 

Today, obviously, I've picked "Too Good at Goodbyes" by Sam Smith. I have been very honest about the situation my life is in currently. I am in the middle of a divorce, moving on, and figuring out who I am. 

As a teenage bride, you kind of become the person your husband needs you to be. With that being said, it's interesting to me to see what I do and do not like when I am an independent person. That's a little off topic, though. Let's begin. 

Smith's new song, although a song with a sorrowful melody, is surprisingly empowering to me. Even writing that, I know that it is odd. I can't help but feel slightly empowered when I think of not allowing someone the power to hurt me when they leave me over and over. 

The very first verse set hits the nail on the head for me. As Smith speaks to his ex-lover, he confronts them explaining he knows they must think he's a stupid fool. For me, this perfectly sums up the emotions I felt at the start of my separation.

 I remember crying out about how I felt like such an idiot; I never saw it coming. I thought I was moronic for ever allowing myself to get in this position. I knew, or I thought that I knew, that my family would all tell me they told me so. Of course, I was wrong. They rallied behind me and supported every decision I have made. 

Smith goes on to explain this heartache isn't new to him. I can remember multiple times where John put me in a position of emotional pain because he just didn't feel like he should be with me. I remember the last huge breakup, when he cheated one me, and I remember how long it took me to move on from that enough to function normally when I woke up in the morning. 

Anxiety is a major difficulty, as well as depression, that I have had to fight most of my life. Every fight, every breakup, I would be so anxious and running the "what-if's" through my mind on repeat. What if I hadn't said that? What if I had not fought with him this time? What if I could've changed things? 

So, I would have to take Benadryl to sleep at night. I always know I am going to be ok when I can sleep without taking a Benadryl. I can happily report, I am sleeping on my own every night and have been for weeks. 

Anywho, let's continue. 

"But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry

And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true

I'm way too good at goodbyes"

The chorus is beautiful, of course, because it's Sam Smith. However, I also find beauty in the raw, true emotions I can relate to here. Like I mentioned before, I see the comeback time after every time John has hurt me become less and less. 

I remember the day that John told me he was talking to another woman after we split, and I remember how much it hurt. Skip forward a few weeks to the night my sister informed me John had made a Tinder, and you would see me not care for more than a second. It's weird, yes. It hurts just for a second, yes. But I know that I had found out who I was and loved myself enough to not allow it to bother me. I also had found out I could feel again, since I loved myself, and I had felt something for someone new. 

The second chorus is Smith relating to his ex-lover more explaining he knew that the lover thought he was heartless and cold. I remember the day I told my family that I was going to talk to other people and see if I met someone worth my time. They were shocked. 

"I thought you wanted to save your marriage?" Well, they weren't wrong. I did want to save my marriage. But, it became glaringly apparent that I needed to save myself. I needed to step back and ask, "What makes Britiany happy?" And the saddest part was, at first, I didn't know what made me happy. I didn't know what I liked. I didn't know what I wanted to do in life. I didn't know what I did for fun. What was fun? I barely knew. 

So, I got Tinder. I decided, if nothing else, I would find someone to talk to. I felt so alone even with my family surrounding me. It was hard to explain to anyone, but I needed to be sure I could deal with what I was going through when I looked in the mirror. I wasn't trying to be cold or mean to John or anyone. I just didn't want to put myself through daily misery like I had been doing for weeks. 

Ok, at this point you may be thinking, "SHE FORGOT THE BRIDGE." I promise I haven't I wanted to save it until last because, in my opinion, it holds significance. 

"I'm never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
'Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I'm never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt"

This is, by far, my favorite section of the entire song. In finding myself, I found that I truly do believe I deserve better than the hand I allowed myself to hold onto after it was dealt. I lost my confidence in another human being, and it was miserable. I realized, finally, that no person deserves to put their self-worth in the actions of someone they have no control over. So, I chose to put my self-worth in my own hands. 

John has attempted to reach out in small ways, never to reconcile but just because he does care about me to an extent. I know this is true, and I am ok with that. However, I will not allow myself to be bated into feelings I don't need.

Just the other night, he messaged me telling me I looked good in glasses. Old habits die hard. He has liked selfies I have put on Facebook... Something he never would do before. He wants me to know he cares, but I know that it means nothing. I won't allow myself to get close to him in that way again. 

My friends were confused, because he said that and it made me angry. I had to let myself be angry. I needed to keep a safe distance in order to not read into an empty action. I needed to be sure I would not get too close and get struck. 

All in all, I think this song can be empowering for someone going through a breakup. However, I do think it involves a decision to use pain for empowerment. I had to choose to take the lessons I've learned and use them to strengthen who I am as a person. 

I could easily allow this entire experience to break me. I know this because in the beginning that is exactly what I did. But a wise friend recently told me, "That's what you need to do. Love yourself before you ever worry about any guy loving you." I am proud to say I love Britiany Krystian Blankenship with my whole, entire heart. I love her laugh, her sense of humor, her body, her mind, and her personality. She is exactly what I needed in my life.